How to Miss a Childhood

I am a sentimental person. And I am 'emo' too! There are days where I longed for the days that are already done. I miss my childhood. I miss the day where I run in the fields and climb trees in our province. I miss my cousins and my childhood friends, some of them we have already grown apart.

I remember Pipay's first night in our house. Her cry, the light, my panic. I miss her being smaller. I miss her tricks and the firsts we shared together. I know she will grow old, but I wish it would be slower. I to be able to remember everything someday. I want every moment stored in my heart. But will not wait. She will not wait for me to grasp everything first before she do her next trick, before she reach a new milestone.

My MS thesis adviser, who is a mother of two, shared a link on her Facebook page. I read it. The title is How to Miss a Childhood. I read it and shared it to my husband. We were both teary after reading it. Because the point hits home. We are both working with computers. Him as a faculty in Computer Science, and I as a programmer and soon to be faculty in the same field. See? We are both working with the 21st century stuff, with the ever changing technology. Both our works involved checking emails frequently and being in front of the computer more than 8 hours a day.

When I read the blog, I realized that I missed, missing and would miss a lot of my daughter's childhood. For around 2 months now, I've been playing with my phone whenever I remember. And that is almost every 2 hours since the game I was playing, Hay Day (a farming game) requires me to tend to my crops and other game stuff almost every hour or so. When she was smaller, I usually get my tablet device beside me at night so when I woke up in the middle of the night to feed her or to cradle her, I would be able to play. Also, when I breastfeed her, I am playing at the same time.

After reading the article, both of us decided to limit our phone, tablet or computer use when we are with her. It is hard given our work. But we will. The first thing I did was, uninstall the game on my phone and stop playing with it when we are together. I want to make sure that we will have an eye to eye during breastfeeding time. I want to be in full attention when we are playing. Or when we are making funny noises. I want her to know that the sounds I make in response to the sounds she make are genuine and not just absent-minded responses.

I was able to limit my phone use for the last 2 days. And I am happy with it. I am grateful that I was able to realize all this early on. She's just 9 months and half. So luckily, I did not miss a lot yet. Her childhood, although fast, is still long and would be full of memories to cherish and enjoy.

I plan to witness all the milestones and be there during mold and guide her according to the principles I learned. I learned before that 'Principle is not a principle until it cost you something'. The principle of being hands-on undistracted mom would cost me the price of being always online and being able to try new entertainment using new gadgets. But I know in my heart that what I'll give up is nothing as compare to making my child feel loved, important and cared.

Lez go mommys! Let's give our kids the time they deserve! Aja!

Pipay turns 1 : Planning

I actually started a long time ago, but I finally able to really start putting things together just this month. We decided the venue to be in the Victoria Place Clubhouse in Potrero Malabon. Actually, it was my in-laws idea since some events of their relatives they attended was held there and they think the place is good. It actually is, since it is super cheap (as compared to SM Grass Residences Clubhouse). There are 2 rooms, the pavilion and the function room, and 2 swimming pools (adult and kid's) and all of them are included in the price. Good right?

The theme was decided a long time ago, I don't know when. The theme would be Princess. At first, I want the colors to be pastel, but upon reading blogs and looking at pictures, pink and white work really nice. The combination creates femininity, innocence and youth. Well, actually I think it will go best with Pipay.

For the caterer, since we want something that is tried and tested, we decided to book Verleo. They were the caterer in one or two of the events that my in-laws attended, and my husband loves their mango crepe.

I decided to DO-IT-MYSELF (DIY --> DIM) because hiring a professional event organizer could be expensive and since I think I can pull it all up. Well, I really hope so. Since my husband trusts me, and because we believe we will save money, he is letting me plan and do things on my own.

So what I did is read a lot of blogs, look at a lot of pictures. I have things in mind, yet they change everytime I read or look, and actually, plans are getting more defined.

I know that I cannot do everything, so from the blog I read, I was able to contact some suppliers.

For the balloon decorations, clowns, and other entertainment I was able to book Whimsical Gatherings. They actually offer whole birthday package (with catering) but since we have the catering, I just chose from their services and asked for quotation.

For the food carts, game booths and photo booths, I booked Rsr Food Express. The have a lot to offer too! And their selections of food carts varied.

For the dessert table, my mother-in-law will take care of the cake. I just provided them with the design. I am still looking for a baker who will do the cupcakes, cakepops and other baked goodies. I will just add candies, waffer sticks and other stuff. For the design of the table, I plan to buy nice glass jars and plates. The backdrop (if possible) would be pompoms and pinwheels.

I already designed the invitation. I used gimp. I looked for free vectors and other free electronic art materials. Some for personal use and some for commercial. I can't put the link since I looked and downloaded from a lot of sources. All are free, mind you! I bought a wax sealing stamp online to seal the envelope (to create a castle/princess impression). I still don't have papers for the printing of the invitations and for the envelope.

I am thinking of giving the kids a crown/tiara to wear for the party. I found a blog that used felt paper/cloth and designed them with glitters and beads. I can do that. However, I am not sure if I have the time. An alternative would be cartons designed with glitters, but that's work too. Another alternative is to buy cheap crowns/tiara, if there is. Or just buy head bands for girls and cape for boys (It is hard to think of an alternative for boys).

I am thinking of a 'take-your-picture-here' booth where I will put some of Pipays old stuff. I have a design in mind, but I'm not sure of the execution yet since I don't have the needed materials yet.

Ahh! The stage! The first plan was to have a castle backdrop, but we cannot find someone who creates such big props. So we decided to use curtains, pompoms and pin wheels instead. We will still put a PIPAY 3-foot letter stand. I found a supplier already, but haven't ordered yet.

There are a lot of things that needed to be done. I still have to buy lots of stuff. Howell, let's do this!

As a confession, it is really hard to plan and do all these. Especially since Pipay moves a lot lately, she crawls (not on 4's yet) a lot. Waaa! My baby is growing old so fast! Soon she'll have her 1st birthday!

Pipay's Teeth and Biting and Breastfeeding

At around 7.5 months, her teeth came out.. Here is her picture sporting her teeth.

I already blogged about her biting me, and how it was painful. Now, with 2 tiny teeth that are not yet fully out, her biting is more painful than before. I not yet sure how to deal with this. We noticed that when she bit me and I reacted, she'd laugh and do it again. I think she does that because she think it was fun and because she gets my attention (and others).

I am worried for the next months, when she has teeth in the upper gums because it would be worse. I wonder how breastfeeding mothers like me deals with the biting...

First Tooth (or teeth)

We were assuming since she was 3 months old that she is teething. It was because, (1) she drools (2) she sometime pull her hair and ears; which, according to some articles, could be a sign of teething. Apparently, we are wrong.

Her teeth (the tiny tip of her 2 lower front teeth) came out last April 6. Well, not exactly that day, but that was the first day that we felt (when she bit my finger) the hard sharp tip of her teeth. We were excited, and happy.

However, I was worried too, because this could mean that some of our nursing sessions would be more painful. Sometimes, Pipay loves to bite my nipple, then pull it. It was very very painful, and I guess it would be much much painful now that she has teeth.

I guess, nipple biting is one of so many sacrifices that breastfeeding mothers must face. Howell, goodluck to me!

Here is Pipay's photo on the day we felt her teeth, she was adorably touching her teeth with her tongue. I'll post another one soon (in 2-3 weeks maybe), in which her teeth are already showing.

Pipay Fell from the Bed

I was so busy with my work and with my MS thesis that I wasn't able to blog lately. But since I need a break and what happened yesterday (March 25, 2014 Wednesday) was frightening, here I am blogging.

I usually don't leave Pipay alone on the bed. When it is just the two of us, I do things when she's asleep. Such as having my lunch, taking a bath, and washing the dishes. When I have to pee, I surround her with pillows on the bed if she is awake or put her in her high chair. Because I don't want her to fall from the bed.

Yesterday, I was playing with her on the bed when my phone signaled a new email. I went to my laptop to read it. When I was in front of my laptop, I looked at Pipay. She was in the middle of the bed, and my judgement is, she won't reach the edge before I finish reading the email. But I was wrong.

I was reading and was shocked by the sound her body made as she hit the tiled floor. I even heard her bumping into the clothe boxes near the bed. I looked. And there she was, lying on the floor. Silent for a moment.

I went to her side, panicking, picked her up. She cried. It was heartbreaking. She cried and cried as I try to console her. I called my mother, who was washing Pipay's clothes. We checked her while she was crying.

She eventually stopped. I breastfed her for a while. Then I tried to make her laugh. She didn't. But at least she seemed okay already.

I was so sorry, that it happened on my watch. I'm sorry baby. I just hope that she really is Ok. I did read some articles online and observed her if I need to bring her to a hospital.

She ok now, I think. She plays. She laughs. She's back to being malikot. So I guess she's ok. Well, maybe that was just one of those moment mothers (or fathers) regrets and gets frightened about. One of those frightening, but not alarming situations that melts our hearts and makes us more watchful and caring.

I love you Pipay.

Poop Talk

I didn't expect that baby poop could tell a lot. That the frequency, texture and color of my baby's stool is every important. I didn't expect that I would smell, look very very closely, count and even touch her poops.

The first thing a mother should know is that the stool of a breastfed baby and the stool of a formula-fed baby are different. They differ in appearance/texture, and in the number of times in a day. I breastfeed my little girl, so I can only speak/write for breastfed babies. However, I am a new mother and just starting on my journey, so my experience is too little, however, I read a lot because I want to be sure on what I do.

I found a nice gallery of baby poops here, I always check that to compare my baby's poop.

Baby poops are explosive. You could actually hear when she poops. It was like a mini bomb explosion. And actually, if she is not wearing diapers (I seldom use commercial diaper, I either use lampin or cloth diapers with liner), pieces would scatter.

The smell is not as bad as adult's. It is like milk gone bad. A little sweet but more sour smelling milk.

I noticed that there are times that my baby seems like she is having a hard time pooping, it was as if she is exerting force to push something out and sometimes she'll cry. I thought at first that she is constipated. However, when she finally poops, the texture is soft and watery and therefore not constipated. So, I don't know why she can't just push it out or maybe that pushing doesn't mean she wants to poop (a lot more to learn!)

I also noticed that sometimes there are yellowish liquid (poop-like but too little) that comes out when she fart. According to what I read, it is not considered as a stool (so don't include it on your counting) and it happens because her stool is watery and comes out easily.

I learn in a forum (a mother said this is according to her Pedia) you can induce pooping by stimulating your baby's anus with a wet soft cloth or cotton. I haven't tried that though.

Oh and I also learned from reliable internet websites (like Baby Center & Mayo Clinic), blogs from breastfeeding mothers and forums that a breastfed baby can poop as much as every after feeding or could be none for a month (that's the longest I read in a forum for Pinay Breastfeeding Nanay). So I know that I should not worry that much. But I also already know that mothers worry about almost everything even when we know there is nothing to worry about. But still, if you are not sure and you are so worried, go visit your pedia.

Here are some of the pictures of my baby's stool and they are NORMAL for breastfed babies.

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Start of My Breastfeeding Journey

I decided to exclusively breastfeed my first born. The first week up to the first month was super hard for me and I guess for my baby too. The past 6 weeks and 4 days was a roller coaster of emotion. At first I thought I was not producing milk, but knowing that her tummy is still so small comforted me. She doesn't need so much yet, in fact according to my OB (thankfully, we had a breastfeeding seminar with her when I was pregnant) babies can survive up to 2 weeks without any food intake after birth and that her stomach is smaller than a grapefruit. 

Below is the estimated size of a baby's tummy.

Breast feeding is a skill that both mother and baby have to learn. I want my baby and I to be the best breastfeeding partner, so I always seek answers for whatever problem we have on our breastfeeding journey.

The key to a successful breastfeeding is a good latch. However, since day 1, we are already having problems with latching. I really don't know what the problem is. May be my nipple is too big for her mouth, or she just really don't know how, my position is wrong, or her position is wrong. At some point there's this feeling that you are producing too little. And sometimes, I think my milk let down is too much for her to handle. Worst, maybe she doesn't want me, my breast, my smell or my sound. So I am always happy when she latches right away when I offer my breast.

According to the books and other online sources, the proper position is a key to a proper latch. So here are some of the breastfeeding positions. (pic source)

I still don't know what is wrong with me and my baby. She can't latch. Latching had been always difficult at the start of every feeding session. Our routine? She'll cry then I'll calm her down then we will try to latch again. It will usually take us more than 10 tries before she can finally latch properly. Sometimes, after a successful latch, my nipple will just slip out of her mouth and then she'll cry again. It was a struggle and I don't know what's wrong.

I came across Lip Tie and Tongue Tie as possible reason for not properly latching. There's a lot of good resources online, here are some of the symptoms:

I immediately checked Pipay's mouth. Her tongue seems Ok. I followed the instructions here to check for tongue tied. I looked for pictures and examples online, and I thought her upper lip is tied. The picture below is  from a mother's blog about daughter's upper lip tie (upper left photo) and their decisions to have it corrected.

Below is my daughter's upper lip and gums. It really looked like a lip tie. So I told my husband, and we researched about it. We learned that it could be operated and that the process is quick and could be done as early as infancy. If not treated it could make breastfeeding difficult (not for some), or there could be speech and dental care problems in the future. 

It was heart breaking knowing that your very young child would undergo an operation. We have to make sure, so we have to consult her pedia first. I told my mother too. And when she checked, she said she think it is normal and that she will check my nephew's mouth too. She texted me, Jared's lip and gums look the same.

I asked our pedia (her first pedia) and she said, that is not lip tie. Whew! We are no longer worried and we decided that my baby was just 'Maarte' when breastfeeding. I also asked the new pedia, she did not check it but she told me that lip tie will not affect breastfeeding.

Difficulty latching is very frustrating. However, it could not mean that something is wrong with me or my boobs, there is nothing wrong with my baby too. I would like to attribute it to he process of learning. I am learning. My child is learning. And we are getting better everyday.

Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression

I am a new mother, and being new to a lot of things is really scaring me to the bone.

When I was pregnant, I read a lot of stuff. And I read Postpartum Depression (PPD). After reading stuff about it, I asked myself, "Am I at risk of having this? Will I be that depressed and hurt myself or my baby?", then I told myself, "Ahh hindi naman siguro. I think my personality is strong enough to have postpartum depression." Well, true enough, I did not experience PPD (Yey for me!). However, I did experience some baby blues and to be honest, at some point it scared me so much because I was so afraid what I feel would develop into PPD.

So what is Baby Blues and PPD?

Postpartum Depression or PPD is a clinical depression which can affect women (and men too!) after childbirth. While Baby Blues is a lighter depression that could develop into a more severe, long-lasting form of depression known as PPD.

Baby Blues or being moody, weepy and irritable after giving birth is so common (about 8 out of 10 mothers) that they are already considered normal. Below are some of the things that you may feel:

• Worried about your baby's health, even though he's fine
• Anxious
• Unable to concentrate
• Tired, yet unable to sleep
• Crying, without knowing why
• Mood swings
• Sadness
• Irritability

PPD may appear as Baby Blues at first, but it would be more intense and longer lasting that it will affect your ability to care for your baby and to handle other daily tasks. And if untreated, it may last for months or longer. Below are some of the symptoms:

• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Intense irritability and anger
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Loss of interest in sex
• Lack of joy in life
• Feeling of shame, guilt or inadequacy
• Severe mood swings
• Difficulty bonding with your baby
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

Here are some of the possible causes of depression:

• Physical Changes: After giving birth, your body changes rapidly. There is a dramatic drop in your hormone level that may contribute to depression. Other hormones may also drop sharply which will make you feel tired, sluggish and depressed. Changes in blood volume, blood pressure, the immune system and metabolism can also contribute to fatigue and mood swings. Plus the changes in your breast as your milk comes in.
• Emotional Factor:  New responsibilities can feel overwhelming. Your transition to motherhood and adjusting to new routines. You may feel anxious about your baby's well being. You may feel less attractive or struggle with your sense of identity. You may feel that you've lost control over your life. Any of these could contribute to depression.
• Lifestyle Influences: Many lifestyle factors can lead to depression, including a demanding family member, difficulty breastfeeding, financial problems, lack of support from your partner and other loved ones.

Baby Blues goes away on its own so no treatment is necessary. Reassurance, support and rest is what you need. Sleep deprivation can make it worse, so sleep when your baby sleep. However, help is very much needed if it is already PPD.

My Experience

Mine has been just the baby blues. And I would like to blame being sleep deprived as the major factor or the trigger of all the drama.

Before giving birth I already had difficulty sleeping, and when I was at the hospital I barely sleep. I was tired from giving birth, and I feel weak. Since my baby and I stayed in the same room, I had to wake up to check her out, to feed her or because we have visitors. And it was worse when we came home. There's a lot to think about. There's a lot to worry about. There is a never ending worried feeling for my child. I even question myself if I can make it. Yes, the questions. I asked a lot. Am I going to be a good mother? Is she feeling good? Am I producing enough milk? Can I still do the things I do back when I was not yet a mother? and more questions, some are unreasonable, some unanswerable, some are just stupid questions. Aside from those questions, I also felt sad because I miss a lot of stuff. I miss being pregnant (duhuh!), I miss going to the dept almost everyday, I miss drinking softdrinks (patakas na lately and in moderation pa rin), I miss sleeping the whole night, I miss cuddling with my husband, I miss being able to go anywhere.

The result? Almost everyday of tears. I cry when I am alone with just me and baby. I cry when I see Phil. I cry when I remember stuff. I cry when we talk about certain things. I cry.

I was so afraid of the sadness. I was so afraid that by being sad and teary, I am not being a good mother. I was afraid I am having PPD. So I did the bravest thing I can do during those time, I told Phil. Everytime I have the urge to cry, I tell him. He knows almost all my crying episodes. His reaction? He laughed at me. The Phil laugh that would either make you mad or make you laugh too. Well, I'll end up laughing at myself too. But of course, he'll hug and kiss me too, he'll say something to make me feel better. Phil is the medicine for my baby blues. My drama episodes ended, and I am more confident as a mother now. :)

References:
Mayo Clinic
Baby Center

First Week

I thought having a nice maternal instinct would be enough once you are a real mother. I thought things would just fall into their right places. That answers, solutions and know hows would just come out of nowhere. That things would be kinda easy and smooth sailing.

In the hospital, the first night was a little ok. I thought I'd be able to sleep the night away but since my baby will no longer stay in the nursery and would be in the room with us, I had to wake up a few times to breast feed her. But since I am still tired and a little sedated, it was nanay who did most of the taking care of baby. Sunday came, and as much as I want to sleep when Pipay sleeps, I was not able to because of the visitors and the nurses and doctors checks my BP and my temp and baby's temp too.

Sunday night was just me and Phil. It was our first night with just the 3 of us. There was a lot of crying. And sometimes we don't know what's wrong.  I started to think that maybe I don't have milk. And well, confidence level dropped big-time. We survived. Tired yet happy and excited to go home with new family member.

First night at home was not as ok as the nights in the hospital. She was set to sleep in her crib but she kept on crying and sometimes I don't know why.  Nanay, kept baby beside her and she stopped crying. I didn't sleep well since I kept on checking on her. Also, sometimes she can't latch properly on my breast. I was convinced that my breasts are not producing milk

The following day, I was paranoid. She didn't poop, and this was the 2nd day. She slept all day. She cried a lot and sleep a lot. Phil went to work but nanay was there to help me. I was a little happy that when I tried to express milk by hand, there was a little drop of milk. Confidence went one level up and I felt really happy.

After 2 days of no poop, she finally pooped. It was dark green (meconium) similar to the ones she pooped when we were in the hospital. Then after that her poops are yellow liquid. Which made me worry again. Is it diarrhea? What did I eat that caused her to poop to be like that?

More than once, in our first week, I wanted to bring her to the hospital to be checked or to text/call her pedia for opinion. Million of times I visited google and read, watched and listened to a lot of things, to at least feel a little better.

When her poop was Ok (the same as the ones posted in many mother-and-newborn-friendly websites), I felt a little better.

Lack of sleep, worries and more. I have experienced baby blues. I know I have to tell Phil whenever I feel sad or if I just wanted to cry. I need him for support. And thankfully, he was just what I needed.

Well, let's just say that I have a lot to learn, a lot to do and a lot to enjoy.

Breastfeeding: (Early) Worries

To be honest, I am a bit worried now. Maybe especially since I am a first time mom. I am worried that when my baby arrives, I will not be able to produce breast milk, and worst, that I will not be able to stick with it.

I read an article from Rappler and was a bit saddened by the fact that no matter how determined you are to start and do breastfeed, there are really a lot of things that might set you back and disappoint you. The article was inspiring as well, but it is not enough assurance that like her, if ever something (or any breastfeeding conditions or situations) happen to me or my baby, I'd be able to do a work around. Haaay.

I also came across this blog, which is very interesting since it is all about nursing and natural parenting stuff. I'll read some of its entries. :)